Boredom does strange things to people. In my case, makes me think about myself and my life. I dont know what there is so much to think about. But I just do. If someone was to ask me to describe myself in one sentence. This is what i would say "Its not easy being me". Indeed, its not easy being me. Its extremely hard to be me. Trust me, I know.
Sometimes i wonder if I actually know myself or not. Sometimes, its just so frustrating being me. Trying to be the good child to my parents. But they never seem to know that I am just that. Never have they said a word of encouragement when I help around. Always accusing me of playing too much games when I have already cut down a lot on it. Even now in Perth, its very discouraging. Every time my parents want to talk to me. Its always to scold me or to tell me off. Its never just to ask "How are you?" "What are you going to do tomorrow?". Always to scold me for what I have done wrong. Never seeing what I have been doing right.
I have told myself that i want to be filial to my parents. Want to make them happy. Want them to lead a good life when they are old. However, my efforts never seem to cross over their minds. I listen to what you want me to do. How many times do I actually scold back at you guys before? I just keep quiet and listen to what you have to say even though I am really unhappy with it. I never argue back that what I do is wrong because I know you wont understand me. Not many do. I dont think anyone do to be exact, because like I said. I dont think I understand myself in the first place.
My smile, my laughter, my naughtiness. All a mask of what i underneath me. Everyday going to school. It always crosses my mind what my parents said about me. What my aunt thinks. You wont know what its like. Its mentally and emotionally taxing for me. The only comfort is listening to music. The song from Hear us Out 3 "交给我吧" is the song that gets me through a lot of it. The only song that can comfort me. Its my favourite song.
My heart is bleeding. All these pain and hardships. It hurts a lot. I know God you would only do this to me because You know that i can handle them. I pray that you will help me through these hard times ahead of me. I leave all of this to you and let you lead. Please guide me. I need you.
-Mr^Blue~
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Randomness
Nothing to do while waiting for class to start. So some random stuff. Well, stuff about the eSports scene. More notably the DotA scene. Well, MYM's main sponsor ESNatioon just went bankrupt. So they let go of their whole gaming team. Which sucks big time. Recession hits them hard. Luckily the DotA team will still play together under the name dJooks. Very strange name if you ask me.
Besides that, my favourite DotA team KS. Int just added a new member. Ks^Dendi.au. Good Ganker. So here is the players list for Ks. Int:
Ks^Puppey.ee
Ks^Jolie.ru
Ks^KuroKy.ir
Ks^Levent.tr
KS^Miracle.se
KS^Gunz.uk
KS^Dendi.au
Ok. Gotta go. See yaz.
-Mr^Blue~
Besides that, my favourite DotA team KS. Int just added a new member. Ks^Dendi.au. Good Ganker. So here is the players list for Ks. Int:
Ks^Puppey.ee
Ks^Jolie.ru
Ks^KuroKy.ir
Ks^Levent.tr
KS^Miracle.se
KS^Gunz.uk
KS^Dendi.au
Ok. Gotta go. See yaz.
-Mr^Blue~
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Support
A tall building. A person on the verge of death. A normal teenager. What do all these things have in common? They all need support of some kind. A building needs strong and deep rafters to be able to climb the skies. A sick person needs oxygen masks for life support. A teenager needs the support of his/her parents to feel included.
Thats something that i cant seem to get. Support. Especially support from my family. Not the whole family, just one person. My mum. I dont know why, nor do i understand why she doesnt seem to give me any support at all. She goes to my sister's every single performance. No matter how expensive or hard to get the tickets are. She goes to great length to make sure my sister's performance is the best that it can be.
But me? Nothing. Nil. Zero. Nada. No support for any of my performances. Although I dont perform that many things, nor am I well versed in any special talents, I still need support from you.
Where were you during the numerous performances she had? Backstage helping or front stage watching, waiting for the time to take her photo. Where were you during her primary school graduation ceremony? Sitting at front stage, watching patiently from the start till the end. What did you do when the teacher in charge said they had to buy more expensive pieces of cloth to make the costume? Handed over the money without second though although the costume.
Where were you when i first danced on stage during MGC Pujut's teenage fellowships 20th anniversary? At home. Where were you when i sang in front of thousands of people as part of the Prefectorial Board's choir during last year's school concert? At home. Where were you when i received my service star award for being a prefect? At work. Where were you during my primary school graduation? At work. Where were you during my secondary school graduation? At work. What did you do when i said I bought the 20th anniversary Tee Shirt because i needed it? Scold me for buying more clothes.
During the 20th anniversary celebration. I wished so much you would come and watch me dance. I am dancing mum. On stage. Its nothing much, but I wished you would come and watch me. During last year's school concert. I hinted you to come and watch me sing in the choir. I even hoped that you would ask Yiyimama if she wanted to go so that the chances you would go is higher. But, throughout the three days that i performed. You dint even come close to the proximity of the hall. Last year was my secondary school graduation and prize giving ceremony. I was hoping you would at least ask if I wanted you to go or not. But you dint even say a word about it. When i saw Simon's parents' happy face when he got the service star award. I was so envious. He was a just a mere prefect like me mum. Not a very high ranking prefect and his parents would go and see him take the star award. Me? Just the thousands of random students watching.
I am your son mum. Please support me. I wonder sometimes. Would you even come to my graduation when I finish university in four to five years time? I know there are times that I dint ask if you would want to go or not. I know you dont want to. So I dint ask. She dint ask too, and you would show up every time she has a performance. At least dad is fair. He doesnt go for any of hers, nor my performances. Can you show me a little bit of support please? Just a bit.
-Mr^Blue~
Thats something that i cant seem to get. Support. Especially support from my family. Not the whole family, just one person. My mum. I dont know why, nor do i understand why she doesnt seem to give me any support at all. She goes to my sister's every single performance. No matter how expensive or hard to get the tickets are. She goes to great length to make sure my sister's performance is the best that it can be.
But me? Nothing. Nil. Zero. Nada. No support for any of my performances. Although I dont perform that many things, nor am I well versed in any special talents, I still need support from you.
Where were you during the numerous performances she had? Backstage helping or front stage watching, waiting for the time to take her photo. Where were you during her primary school graduation ceremony? Sitting at front stage, watching patiently from the start till the end. What did you do when the teacher in charge said they had to buy more expensive pieces of cloth to make the costume? Handed over the money without second though although the costume.
Where were you when i first danced on stage during MGC Pujut's teenage fellowships 20th anniversary? At home. Where were you when i sang in front of thousands of people as part of the Prefectorial Board's choir during last year's school concert? At home. Where were you when i received my service star award for being a prefect? At work. Where were you during my primary school graduation? At work. Where were you during my secondary school graduation? At work. What did you do when i said I bought the 20th anniversary Tee Shirt because i needed it? Scold me for buying more clothes.
During the 20th anniversary celebration. I wished so much you would come and watch me dance. I am dancing mum. On stage. Its nothing much, but I wished you would come and watch me. During last year's school concert. I hinted you to come and watch me sing in the choir. I even hoped that you would ask Yiyimama if she wanted to go so that the chances you would go is higher. But, throughout the three days that i performed. You dint even come close to the proximity of the hall. Last year was my secondary school graduation and prize giving ceremony. I was hoping you would at least ask if I wanted you to go or not. But you dint even say a word about it. When i saw Simon's parents' happy face when he got the service star award. I was so envious. He was a just a mere prefect like me mum. Not a very high ranking prefect and his parents would go and see him take the star award. Me? Just the thousands of random students watching.
I am your son mum. Please support me. I wonder sometimes. Would you even come to my graduation when I finish university in four to five years time? I know there are times that I dint ask if you would want to go or not. I know you dont want to. So I dint ask. She dint ask too, and you would show up every time she has a performance. At least dad is fair. He doesnt go for any of hers, nor my performances. Can you show me a little bit of support please? Just a bit.
-Mr^Blue~
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Results out
Hmm. Resuls of my SPM are out today. What can I say about it? Well, still ok I suppose. Could have been slightly better. But I am overall quite satisfied. Heres a lowdown on what I got (in order of decreasing grade):
English A1
Physic A1
1119 A2
Chemistry A2
Moral 3B
Maths 3B
EST 3B
Add Maths 4B
Biology 4B
Malay Language 5C
History 6C
Bible Knowledge 8E
English A1 is expected from me. Hehe. Physics was an unexpected A1. I thought maybe would get a B or A2. Chemistry also. I thought will get B3. But get A2. Nice. Hehe. My Biology. Man, i expected an A for this, why give me a B? Why? Sucks. Cant do anything too. Just face it. The most shocking one to me is none other than----------------Bible Knowledge!!!!!!! 8E man. 8E!!!!!! Thats hell bad. One more grade lower and its fail. Like Leh Bing. Hehe. I always got better than 8E. At least will get a C or B. I expected that i will get a B for my SPM. Somehow it came out an 8E. The rest are somewhat expected especially History and Malay. A bit surprised my Moral got 3. However those are useless subjects. So whatever. Thats all for tonight folks. See yaz.
-Mr^Blue~
English A1
Physic A1
1119 A2
Chemistry A2
Moral 3B
Maths 3B
EST 3B
Add Maths 4B
Biology 4B
Malay Language 5C
History 6C
Bible Knowledge 8E
English A1 is expected from me. Hehe. Physics was an unexpected A1. I thought maybe would get a B or A2. Chemistry also. I thought will get B3. But get A2. Nice. Hehe. My Biology. Man, i expected an A for this, why give me a B? Why? Sucks. Cant do anything too. Just face it. The most shocking one to me is none other than----------------Bible Knowledge!!!!!!! 8E man. 8E!!!!!! Thats hell bad. One more grade lower and its fail. Like Leh Bing. Hehe. I always got better than 8E. At least will get a C or B. I expected that i will get a B for my SPM. Somehow it came out an 8E. The rest are somewhat expected especially History and Malay. A bit surprised my Moral got 3. However those are useless subjects. So whatever. Thats all for tonight folks. See yaz.
-Mr^Blue~
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Tired.
God. Your son is very tired with the stress thats surrounding him. He knows that You wont forsake him. But he needs your guidance now. Support him like you have support your people since the beginning. Amen.
-Mr^Blue~
-Mr^Blue~
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Tests on Monday
Man. I have two tests on Monday. Not the east kind like English. Physics and Chemistry test. Argh. Why both on the same day? Why? There goes my weekend. Anyway, wish me luck. I need to study again. See ya peeps.
-Mr^Blue~
-Mr^Blue~
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Five brothers, Three locations, One God
Memories long written in the hearts of many. Buried deep in the depth of people, only to be taken out and reflect and cherish upon. As i sit here in front of the computer at 11.30PM(Perth is fast by one hour due to Daylight Savings) after reading my brothers' Sian and Yap's blog. I begin to ponder upon the teenage life i had.
My teenage life? What can i say about it? Its probably going to be the phase of my life that I will remember and hold so dear to my heart once i grow old. Its the phase that I am most proud of. I can pretty much say I had a really uninteresting childhood. No playing with marbles, no catching fish in the sewers. None of them. Just tuition, and watching TV. But when i turned 12 and starting to go to my church's Teenage Fellowship. My life started to be more interesting, more fun.
It is here during my time at this teenage fellowship that i met them. Who are they? If you've read my last post. You can probably guess. My four brothers and me. There was once only four. Now five in total. We had so much fun during this short five years of our lives. Six for me. It is here we found the true meaning of fellowship. What is to serve our one and only God with happiness.
Sometimes, I wonder. How would I be like if I my dad dint ask me to join this fellowship in the first place? I would probably have wasted my time all around time. Going to cyber cafes and so on. But instead, i made a choice. A choice i have never ever forget. To devote my Saturdays to him, and his fellowship. During this period, i have learnt a great deal. How to lead a committee in meeting. How to solve problems that shouldnt be a problem in the first place and so on. Its a great experience and a great preparation for real life.
I remember clearly how this brotherhood of ours started. It started with four. This is how it started. It was a Saturday afternoon like any other, fellowship at church. The activity was Bao Jian Chao Lian or Kang Le. We were divided into four groups. Somehow, the four of us, Josh, Sian, Yap and Me were all split into different groups. Then, the person in charge told us to chose a group leader in each of the group. By God's grace, each group chose each four of us. We all took turns standing up to indicate that we were the group leaders. After the last one, it was Josh i think. Rui Yi said something along the lines "Shi Da Tian Wang" which means Four Kings. With that, this brotherhood of ours was formed.
During our time, this brotherhood was held closely together. We did everything together. Sang choir, had Sunday School together and the list goes on and on. But soon after, a few years back. We added another to this brotherhood. Making it five. Chee Enn. How did we add him? I am not really sure. But we just did. He is part of us now. The five kings. You could see all of us almost everytime in all of the church's big events. Helping out no matter how small the matter is.
But now, our of the five. Three remain in Miri. The other two. Left to further their studies. Although we may have been separated. Theres one thing i am certain about. That this brotherhood still holds strong in each of our hearts. Another thing is that although we are in three different places, one thing is still very common among all of us. We are all still serving the one true God we know in the places we are in. Josh, Sian and Enn are still active in MGC Pujut where I have come to love. Yap is in KL's Panda Church serving too. And me, the guy in Perth. Worshiping and going to fellowships at BPCWA(Bible-Prebetaryian Church of Western Australia).
This this title was born. Five brothers, Three locations, One God. So very true. With this, I want to give a shout out to my brothers.
To Sian the short one: Stay strong, your not the only one with problems. Family is what you have and what is most precious when you stop and think.
To Josh the strong one: I know your looking strong for everyone. I cant say much. Just Good Luck and God would not forsake you,
To Yap the quiet one: I know this probably doesnt sound much. But study the best you can, even by then you still cant get good results. You know you've done your best.
To Enn the chicken-like one: Good luck in your STPM this year. I may say that you fail it all the time, but i dont really mean it. I sincerely hope that you would get great results.
-Mr^Blue~
My teenage life? What can i say about it? Its probably going to be the phase of my life that I will remember and hold so dear to my heart once i grow old. Its the phase that I am most proud of. I can pretty much say I had a really uninteresting childhood. No playing with marbles, no catching fish in the sewers. None of them. Just tuition, and watching TV. But when i turned 12 and starting to go to my church's Teenage Fellowship. My life started to be more interesting, more fun.
It is here during my time at this teenage fellowship that i met them. Who are they? If you've read my last post. You can probably guess. My four brothers and me. There was once only four. Now five in total. We had so much fun during this short five years of our lives. Six for me. It is here we found the true meaning of fellowship. What is to serve our one and only God with happiness.
Sometimes, I wonder. How would I be like if I my dad dint ask me to join this fellowship in the first place? I would probably have wasted my time all around time. Going to cyber cafes and so on. But instead, i made a choice. A choice i have never ever forget. To devote my Saturdays to him, and his fellowship. During this period, i have learnt a great deal. How to lead a committee in meeting. How to solve problems that shouldnt be a problem in the first place and so on. Its a great experience and a great preparation for real life.
I remember clearly how this brotherhood of ours started. It started with four. This is how it started. It was a Saturday afternoon like any other, fellowship at church. The activity was Bao Jian Chao Lian or Kang Le. We were divided into four groups. Somehow, the four of us, Josh, Sian, Yap and Me were all split into different groups. Then, the person in charge told us to chose a group leader in each of the group. By God's grace, each group chose each four of us. We all took turns standing up to indicate that we were the group leaders. After the last one, it was Josh i think. Rui Yi said something along the lines "Shi Da Tian Wang" which means Four Kings. With that, this brotherhood of ours was formed.
During our time, this brotherhood was held closely together. We did everything together. Sang choir, had Sunday School together and the list goes on and on. But soon after, a few years back. We added another to this brotherhood. Making it five. Chee Enn. How did we add him? I am not really sure. But we just did. He is part of us now. The five kings. You could see all of us almost everytime in all of the church's big events. Helping out no matter how small the matter is.
But now, our of the five. Three remain in Miri. The other two. Left to further their studies. Although we may have been separated. Theres one thing i am certain about. That this brotherhood still holds strong in each of our hearts. Another thing is that although we are in three different places, one thing is still very common among all of us. We are all still serving the one true God we know in the places we are in. Josh, Sian and Enn are still active in MGC Pujut where I have come to love. Yap is in KL's Panda Church serving too. And me, the guy in Perth. Worshiping and going to fellowships at BPCWA(Bible-Prebetaryian Church of Western Australia).
This this title was born. Five brothers, Three locations, One God. So very true. With this, I want to give a shout out to my brothers.
To Sian the short one: Stay strong, your not the only one with problems. Family is what you have and what is most precious when you stop and think.
To Josh the strong one: I know your looking strong for everyone. I cant say much. Just Good Luck and God would not forsake you,
To Yap the quiet one: I know this probably doesnt sound much. But study the best you can, even by then you still cant get good results. You know you've done your best.
To Enn the chicken-like one: Good luck in your STPM this year. I may say that you fail it all the time, but i dont really mean it. I sincerely hope that you would get great results.
-Mr^Blue~
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