Boredom does strange things to people. In my case, makes me think about myself and my life. I dont know what there is so much to think about. But I just do. If someone was to ask me to describe myself in one sentence. This is what i would say "Its not easy being me". Indeed, its not easy being me. Its extremely hard to be me. Trust me, I know.
Sometimes i wonder if I actually know myself or not. Sometimes, its just so frustrating being me. Trying to be the good child to my parents. But they never seem to know that I am just that. Never have they said a word of encouragement when I help around. Always accusing me of playing too much games when I have already cut down a lot on it. Even now in Perth, its very discouraging. Every time my parents want to talk to me. Its always to scold me or to tell me off. Its never just to ask "How are you?" "What are you going to do tomorrow?". Always to scold me for what I have done wrong. Never seeing what I have been doing right.
I have told myself that i want to be filial to my parents. Want to make them happy. Want them to lead a good life when they are old. However, my efforts never seem to cross over their minds. I listen to what you want me to do. How many times do I actually scold back at you guys before? I just keep quiet and listen to what you have to say even though I am really unhappy with it. I never argue back that what I do is wrong because I know you wont understand me. Not many do. I dont think anyone do to be exact, because like I said. I dont think I understand myself in the first place.
My smile, my laughter, my naughtiness. All a mask of what i underneath me. Everyday going to school. It always crosses my mind what my parents said about me. What my aunt thinks. You wont know what its like. Its mentally and emotionally taxing for me. The only comfort is listening to music. The song from Hear us Out 3 "交给我吧" is the song that gets me through a lot of it. The only song that can comfort me. Its my favourite song.
My heart is bleeding. All these pain and hardships. It hurts a lot. I know God you would only do this to me because You know that i can handle them. I pray that you will help me through these hard times ahead of me. I leave all of this to you and let you lead. Please guide me. I need you.