Trust me!!!!!

Cant you freaking trust me???? I am already damn stressed about my results liao. You dont need to do that to me. Give me some freedom and trust me. Please. I even beg it.

Never...

Never enough.
Never happy.
Never satisfied.
Never good enough.
Never up to standard.
Never.......

-Mr^Blue~

I am an Idiot.

I am a fucking useless idiot. No so use little piece of crap.

Sienz

As a student here in Perth. I sometimes feel very sienz. Not because of the school or no friends and so on. Its just about life. Feeling stressed from parents, from my aunt here, about my results not being good enough. Its all very emotionally taxing for me.

Its been three months since I have came here. In three months. My parents only called me three times. Not to say hello or to ask how am I. But to scold me. First time I admit its my fault. I used up 30aud worth of credit in 1 week. That I admit. Second time was because I dint tell them I was going to the beach to play. Got scolded again. Third time, due to the ridiculous mobile phone call and sms rates, I decided on using the 29 aud cap. Which for your info, by paying 29aud, I get 150 of credit and last for 1 month. But the 30 dollars one, I just get 30 dollars, and it has to last me for 2 months. How de heck can anyone achieve that? Maybe some people who dont have friends can. But not me. So I got scold for deciding what i think its best.

My mum said 29 aud is equivalent to RM100. But honestly, I dont cant even make it out to that amount. At most it is would be RM70. That is expensive I agree. However I pay RM70 but its equivalent of getting RM300 of phone credit. Is that so wrong? Due to this, I now dont dare to spend money on anything anymore. From now on, I wont go out with my friends, I wont go out to the city, I wont go watch movies. I will just stay at home. Everyone needs entertainment right? I cant go out, so I stay at home. I stay at home to play games. I still get scolded for not spending money. I play to release stress and so on. But I get scolded for not doing any work. What do you guy want of me?

Looking some of my friends' blog. Those who have gone overseas studying. They seem to be living a better life than me. They can go out and hang out with friends. They can make their own decision about the amount of phone credit they want to reload. What about me? Deprived of all those. I cant spend. I cant play games. I cant even decide anything for myself now. I always thought you guys are two of the best parents around. I thought you guys would let me make my own decisions. I guess I was so totally wrong. I cant.

About my aunt. What the heck is wrong with you? When I go over the internet limit. I get scolded. When I have controlled myself and not go over the limit. I get scolded. So that means no matter how hard I try, I still get scolded right? Fine. I'll just use up the limit then. I'll get scolded anyway when the time is up, might as well download the series I want to watch and have fun while I can. No point at trying to save it. I'll get scolded anyway.

-Mr^Blue~

Shivering.

My heart hurts. My emotions are flying about. My mind cant think straight. My body shivers. God. Help me.

Emoing and ranting.

Boredom does strange things to people. In my case, makes me think about myself and my life. I dont know what there is so much to think about. But I just do. If someone was to ask me to describe myself in one sentence. This is what i would say "Its not easy being me". Indeed, its not easy being me. Its extremely hard to be me. Trust me, I know.

Sometimes i wonder if I actually know myself or not. Sometimes, its just so frustrating being me. Trying to be the good child to my parents. But they never seem to know that I am just that. Never have they said a word of encouragement when I help around. Always accusing me of playing too much games when I have already cut down a lot on it. Even now in Perth, its very discouraging. Every time my parents want to talk to me. Its always to scold me or to tell me off. Its never just to ask "How are you?" "What are you going to do tomorrow?". Always to scold me for what I have done wrong. Never seeing what I have been doing right.

I have told myself that i want to be filial to my parents. Want to make them happy. Want them to lead a good life when they are old. However, my efforts never seem to cross over their minds. I listen to what you want me to do. How many times do I actually scold back at you guys before? I just keep quiet and listen to what you have to say even though I am really unhappy with it. I never argue back that what I do is wrong because I know you wont understand me. Not many do. I dont think anyone do to be exact, because like I said. I dont think I understand myself in the first place.

My smile, my laughter, my naughtiness. All a mask of what i underneath me. Everyday going to school. It always crosses my mind what my parents said about me. What my aunt thinks. You wont know what its like. Its mentally and emotionally taxing for me. The only comfort is listening to music. The song from Hear us Out 3 "交给我吧" is the song that gets me through a lot of it. The only song that can comfort me. Its my favourite song.

My heart is bleeding. All these pain and hardships. It hurts a lot. I know God you would only do this to me because You know that i can handle them. I pray that you will help me through these hard times ahead of me. I leave all of this to you and let you lead. Please guide me. I need you.

-Mr^Blue~

Tired.

God. Your son is very tired with the stress thats surrounding him. He knows that You wont forsake him. But he needs your guidance now. Support him like you have support your people since the beginning. Amen.

-Mr^Blue~